Writing for Someone Else: How to Help a Family Member Without Overstepping

LetterLab
Dec 5
4 min read

The LetterLab document mascot sitting at a table with an older lady, with its arm around her, helping write a letter

When a family member asks you to write a letter for them, it can feel like a tightrope. You want to help, especially if they are stressed, unwell, overwhelmed or unsure what to say. Yet it is easy to step too far and end up speaking for them rather than supporting them.

Councils, schools, employers and official bodies want to hear their voice, not yours. At the same time, many people cannot find the right words when the situation is sensitive. This guide explains how to support someone without overshadowing their message.

All guidance follows expectations used by UK public bodies, complaint teams, employers and professional organisations.

Why Writing for Someone Else Can Be Tricky

1. Their voice gets lost

When you write entirely in your own style, the letter stops sounding like the person the situation affects. Decision makers often notice this and may question whether the message reflects the person's real view. The University of Manchester Writing Support service notes the importance of preserving the writer's authentic perspective.

2. You might include details they did not want shared

Family members often know more private information than the person wants written down. Without clear boundaries, sensitive content can slip in.

3. Strong emotion can cloud clarity

When you are protective of someone, it is easy to become sharper, firmer or more frustrated on their behalf. The Mind UK communication advice highlights the importance of sticking to facts during stressful interactions.

4. Organisations want first person accounts

Schools, employers, councils and complaint teams prefer to hear from the person directly unless there is a clear reason they cannot communicate themselves.

5. Too much help can make the person feel unheard

People often want support with structure, not domination of the whole message.

How to Support Someone Without Overstepping

1. Start with a conversation, not a draft

Ask simple, open questions:

• What do you want the letter to achieve

• What details do you feel comfortable sharing

• What parts feel hardest to explain

• What worries you about writing

Let them speak freely before you write anything.

2. Build a simple outline together

A helpful outline usually follows this structure:

Why they are writing
What has happened
How it has affected them
What they need next
Evidence or attachments

This mirrors the expectations shown in Ombudsman UK complaint guidance, which stresses clarity and order.

3. Use their language

If they say, "I am tired of repeating myself", do not rewrite it as something overly formal. Keep their tone natural and familiar. You are polishing, not rewriting their personality.

4. Keep your own views out of it

Swap this:

❌ "This decision is completely unacceptable and the staff have handled it badly."

For this:

✔ "I feel the decision is unclear and I would appreciate an explanation."

Your role is to help them stay calm and clear, not to vent for them.

5. Add structure, not new opinions

You can help them organise their thoughts, shorten long sentences, or highlight missing details, but avoid adding your own judgement.

6. Let them approve every line

A letter written for someone else should never be a surprise. They should read it slowly, confirm it reflects their feelings, and decide what stays or goes.

7. Include a short note if you are assisting

In situations involving disability, illness, learning difficulty or language barriers, a short explanation can help:

"I have assisted with writing this letter at their request. The content reflects their views."

This mirrors inclusive communication principles outlined by AbilityNet, which encourages respectful support.

Example Phrases That Maintain Their Voice

Here are simple phrases that help you write for someone while keeping ownership clear:

• "I am writing to explain..."

• "I would like clarification on..."

• "This situation has affected me in the following ways..."

• "I am requesting a review of this decision."

• "Please confirm the next steps."

These align with the style recommended in the Plain English Campaign guidance.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

❌ Writing in your own emotional tone

❌ Adding claims or accusations they never mentioned

❌ Turning it into a long narrative

❌ Speaking as if you experienced the issue yourself

❌ Forgetting to ask what outcome they want

Clear writing does not require perfect grammar. It requires honesty, facts and structure.

Why This Matters for Councils, Schools, Employers and Government Departments

Decision makers rely on:

• clear timelines

• factual accounts

• relevant documents

• polite requests

• accurate representation of the person involved

When letters come from someone else entirely, they may treat it as less reliable. When they come from the person but simply shaped more clearly, they carry full weight.

How LetterLab Helps You Support a Family Member

At LetterLab, we help people express their own words in a clear, confident way without losing their personal voice.

You can send rough notes, voice recordings or bullet points. We turn them into a structured letter that still sounds like the person writing it.

If the situation is sensitive, we guide you on what to include, what to avoid, and how to keep boundaries safe.

You can even send the first 250 words for free to see the improvement.

👉 https://www.letterwritingservice.co.uk